


Shatter Me

by givemesumaurgravy



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angry Isak, Angst, Bottom!Isak, Break Up, Cheating, Declarations Of Love, Even Cheated, Explicit Discussion of Cheating, Fingering, M/M, Make up sex, Sad Even, Smut, Top!Even, butt plug, discussion of sex, there's a lot of pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-09-18 02:55:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9363350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemesumaurgravy/pseuds/givemesumaurgravy
Summary: “Can you…can you do something? Please just…scream, or yell or throw something,anything.”Even’s crying, he has been since the words‘I slept with someone else’left his mouth. To be honest, he’s been crying for hours since he got home from Mikael’s.Isak just sits there stoically and he says, “I’m not going to yell or any of that. I’m just going to make this really fucking awkward and uncomfortable for you.”“W-what?” Even says, sniffling.“I want you to tell me everything that happened,” Isak says.





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly, IM SORRY. I hate break-up fics but this idea has been with me for a while now and I had to let it out. It pains me to write and to read, but I'm I sucker for the angst. 
> 
> Second, I cannot take complete credit for the idea, as this is based on a real life scenario from a friend of mine who cheated on her boyfriend. (spoiler alert, their engaged now, though it took a helluva long time to get back to a good place).
> 
> Third, (new) I've gotten some comments saying that this doesn't feel like Isak and Even and I didn't really mean for it to feel spot on like the characters on the show. It's an AU fic. I personally don't see them ever breaking up or even _considering_ cheating. I get it though that it doesn't necessarily feel like the characters we know and love. and to me, that's okay. That's why this is an AU.
> 
> Finally, I'm considering continuing this when I get a chance, as I cannot bear leaving my babies in pain. I have an idea of where to take this, so let me know if you'd like to read more!

They’re sitting in Even’s room, facing each other on the bed. They’ve been together in this room countless times in their three years together, but this time feels different, everything about the tense atmosphere is wrong.

“Can you…can you do something? Please just…scream, or yell or throw something, _anything.”_

Even’s crying, he has been since the words _‘I slept with someone else’_ left his mouth. To be honest, he’s been crying for hours since he got home from Mikael’s. 

Isak just sits there stoically and he says, “I’m not going to yell or any of that. I’m just going to make this really fucking awkward and uncomfortable for you.”

“W-what?” Even says, sniffling.

“I want you to tell me everything that happened,” Isak says. 

“I…I already did. I said I was at his place and we started drinking and then—“ Even says in a rush, feeling frantic.

“No. I mean everything. Who kissed who first? How long did it take before you started moving farther? Who got who naked? Was there foreplay? Did he blow you? Did you blow him? What kind of fucking _lube_ did he use? How many fingers did he use to open you up? Did he kiss you while he did? What position did you use? Were you on top or bottom? How long did it last? Who came first? Did he pull out? How big is he? Did you scream his name when you came? What dirty things did he whisper to you? Did he clean you up after? How long did you stay in his bed before you left?”

Even sits stunned for a moment, fresh tears stinging his eyes as Isak looks at him with coldly.

“I…I don’t…” Even starts to say, unable to think straight as Isak continues to look at him as if he’s staring through him.

“I’m serious. I want to know everything. Either start talking or I’m leaving,” Isak says and as if to prove his point, he makes to get up.

“W-wait,” Even says, frantically grabbing for Isak’s arm. 

Isak looks down at him, expressionless and Even feels a fresh round of tears pricking his eyes. Isak sits back down after yanking his arm from Even’s grip and settles himself as far away from Even as physically possible, making Even’s stomach churn. 

“I…where do you want me to start?” Even asks, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

“From the beginning,” Isak says. “Who initiated?”

“Um,” Even starts, wracking his brain as he tries to remember how exactly it got started. “I’m not sure. I think…I think it was sort of mutual?”

Isak doesn’t say anything, just stares at the wall. Even watches him closely, noticing the way his hands clench into fists. 

“We…we had been drinking a lot, and to be honest, I don’t even know why. I know…I know that’s not an excuse. I just… it just happened,” Even says, knowing it sounds lame as the words leave his mouth. 

“How long?” Isak asks, voice strained. 

“How long what?” Even asks.

Isak finally turns and looks at Even with his emotionless face. “How long did you kiss him before you took it further?”

“I…I don’t know? Like…maybe two minutes?” Even says, voice quiet and sad. “He…he went for my shirt and then…it just went from there.”

“Did he undress you?” Isak asks.

“Y-yes,” Even mumbles.

“Did you undress him?” Isak asks.

“Yes,” Even answers. 

“And no where during that did you think that that was wrong?” Isak bites, hands curling in the blankets.

“I…” Even stutters, “I can’t answer that.”

“What did you do for foreplay?” Isak asks. “Or did you just go for it?”

“I…he…he went down on me…and then…he opened me up,” Even says, voice wavering. “I…didn’t do anything…to him.”

“Like that’s supposed to make me feel better,” Isak scoffs. “Did he prep you well?”

“Y-yeah,” Even says. “He…did.”

“How many fingers did he use?” Isak asks. “Did he use a lot of lube or a little?”

“Why are you being like this?” Even says, finally breaking. “Can’t you see that this is excruciating for me?”

Isak looks at Even with narrowed eyes. “I’m doing it because I want you to feel _half_ of what I’m feeling right now. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have the love of your life come to you and tell you that they’ve slept with someone else? To be completely blindsided because you thought…you trusted that person to always be faithful and to only want you? I’ve never considered touching another person. I can’t…I can’t even begin to explain to you how much you hurt me.”

Even wants to apologize again, a million times over, but he knows it's no use. God, if he could just turn back time…

“I…he had a new bottle of Astroglide that spilled everywhere when he opened it. He started with one, but there was so much lube everywhere that he could slip in the second pretty easily. He continued to blow me as he did, too. After working in a third I was ready and told him to get on with it.” Even explains, hoping that just giving Isak what he was asking would help ease the palpable tension in the room.

Isak started off at the wall again, not saying anything.

“He…he didn’t…he doesn’t know my body like you do. He didn’t make me feel even nearly as good as you can. It wasn’t…it wasn’t – “

“Stop,” Isak cuts in, eyes on Even again, blazing. “Don’t say stuff like that like it’s some sort of fucking… _consolation.”_

“I…I wasn’t,” Even starts, but Isak shakes his head. 

“You were,” Isak says, voice a tad calmer. “Just…don’t.”

Even looks down at his lap and tries to fight off a new round of tears, biting his lip to keep it from wobbling.

“What position did you use?” Isak asks, steam rolling ahead.

“He…he put me on my hands and knees. He didn’t kiss me after that and just kind of…took what he wanted,” Even says, voice trailing off at the memory. 

“Did he use a condom?” Isak asks. 

“Yeah, of course he did,” Even replies, slightly offended. “I may have been drunk, but I didn’t suddenly become completely brain dead.” 

“Is he big?” Isak asks, moving on immediately. 

“I…I don’t know? I suppose so…” Even says and he notices Isak’s jaw clench.

“In comparison,” Isak says, “To me, is he bigger or smaller? Thicker?”

Even stares at Isak and fish mouths a few times before he shakes his head. 

“I don’t…” Even starts, but then sighs. “Probably longer but he’s not as thick. He didn’t really know what to do with it as well as you do.”

Isak scoffs and stands up, brushing off his pants. He adjusts his cap and licks his lips. Then he starts pacing.

“How long did you last?” Isak asks, still pacing.

“He came first, and then he jacked me off until I came,” Even says, trying to make eye contact with Isak.

“What did he say to you to make you come? Did he call you baby or ask you to come on command? Did you call his name when you came?” Isak watches Even carefully now, expression unreadable.

“Honestly, Isak,” Even sighs, scrubbing his hands over his face. “I don’t remember. Maybe?”

Isak gives him a hard look and stops pacing. Isak scratches at his chin and squints his eyes. 

“Did he take care of you? Afterwards?” Isak asks, voice strangely soft now.

“Yes,” Even nods. “He cleaned me up and made sure I was okay.”

“Good, good,” Isak nods. “How long did you stay?”

Even stares at Isak and then looks down before answering. “I slept over.”

Isak laughs, literally laughs. Even feels worse now than he had during this whole conversation.

“One last question,” Isak says, eyes meeting Even’s. “How long did it take for the guilt to set in? How long was it after you let someone else fuck you before you remembered me? How long did it take for you to realize you’d just shit on everything we had?”

“Isak,” Even starts, finally getting up off the bed and reaching for Isak. 

“No!” Isak yells, anger visibly bubbling over as he throws his hands up. “Don’t fucking touch me.”

Even feels absolutely helpless and stands there dumbly with his hand still outstretched awkwardly as Isak looks at him like he doesn’t even know him anymore. 

“Anything else?” Isak asks, voice at a relatively normal volume, tone flat.

“I…I’m sorry,” Even mumbles, knowing already that it’s no use.

“Save it,” Isak says. “If you have nothing else to add, I can’t be here anymore.”

“Isak,” Even says as Isak starts making his way out of the room. “Please don’t go.”

Isak looks back at Even, hand on the doorknob. 

“I’m done, Even,” Isak says. “Please just…don’t.”

With that, Isak walks out and Even feels himself fall to the floor and let’s the pain consume him.


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The healing process starts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part II! 
> 
> There will also be a Part III sometime soon.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry, again, for how painful this fic is. Also, this is pretty AU. I did not write this as any sort of prediction of what would happen to the characters. I do not think either would ever cheat. I also understand their behavior and personalities in this fic are a bit canon divergent. If that bothers you, I'm sorry.

Part II

**December**

Even would like to say that the first two weeks were the hardest, but they weren’t. He mostly just felt numb. 

It sort of felt like one of his depressive episodes, but different in that there was actually a reason for it other than it just happening because it did. He had a focal point now to center all of his angst on and it completely consumed him. 

He stayed home for as much time as he could, but he couldn’t afford to miss anymore classes. He had to be stronger than this.

After 13 days of wallowing, Even woke up and forced himself to get up, get dressed, and to not let this consume him.

He made a decision then that he was going to fight, fight for Isak because he was worth it. 

He starts devising his text during his early period philosophy class (which whoever thought it was a good idea to have a _philosophy_ class at _8am_ is insane). He knows begging won’t work and right now there’s no point in asking for a second chance because Isak isn’t ready for that and Even doesn’t think he can handle Isak just shutting him down after their first contact in weeks. 

He decides that he needs to take a completely different approach and just show Isak how much he still loves him - how much he’s still in this. 

_Hei, Isak. I hope it’s okay that I’m texting you_

Wait, no. Don’t give him a chance to say no. 

_Hei, Isak. I’ve done a lot of thinking and I’ve come to the decision that I’m going to show you how much I love you, even if it takes me years. I’m not going to beg you to take me back or anything like that. I’ve told you how sorry I am and I don’t want to harass you everyday saying that again and again. Instead, I’m going to show you how much I love you. I’m going to send you a text, everyday at 21:21 telling you one of the thousands of reasons why I love you, why you are the most special person in the world, why you mean everything to me.  
So here we are, day 1, reason number 1. I love you because you saved me. It’s cheesy, but I know we were fated to find each other. You told me once that I saved you, but I think it was you who saved me. Maybe we saved each other. I can’t imagine that we wouldn’t be able to do that again. _

Even waits until 21:21 to send it, he sets an alarm and everything. He doesn’t wait for a response, knows he probably won’t get one, and turns his phone off so he doesn’t stress himself out waiting. 

Even doesn’t turn his phone back on until the morning, and he doesn’t allow himself to think or worry about the lack of response. He does click his messages though, to check if Isak’s opened it. He hasn’t.

Even busies himself with other things, homework, friends, work at the coffee shop. He doesn’t worry about Isak or even let himself _think_ that Isak could have possibly blocked his number until it’s 21:00 and he prepares his second message. 

Before he can even focus on what to say, he notices something under his last message. 

**Read 19:19.**

**~*~*~  
January **

Even goes thirty days with practical radio silence from Isak, yet he diligently sends off his daily message promptly at 21:21. He’s quite proud of himself for keeping up with it, but if he’s being completely honest with himself, it’s his current obsession. 

He’s started keeping a little notebook, too, where he scribbles down reason after reason why he loves Isak as they come to him. He’s started including doodles, too, along with song lyrics or movie quotes that make him think of Isak. Anything to keep Isak present in his life. 

After 31 days, though, Even finally gets a response. 

He has just sent the message, _Day 31 - Reason 31 why I love you - your smile. I love everything about your mouth, actually. I won’t go into dirty detail, but instead stick to the basics. I love your perfect cupid’s bow. I love your cute little mole. I love your dimples that pop when you smile. I think your smile is definitely one of your best features._

Even refrains from adding _I miss it._

It’s like Isak was waiting for it. As soon as Even hits send, the three dots pop up and Even forgets how to breathe. 

As soon as the message comes through, it’s like Even’s been punched. 

_Dear Even, would you kindly fuck off, please? I know you think this is cute, but just stop. I don’t want to read anything else you send me. Just… please stop texting me._

Even feels tears sting his eyes. Sure, he knew Isak was capable of this, but it hurts a whole lot more than he expected. 

Then another message is coming through. 

_It just hurts too much, Even. So just...please._

So no, the worst was not the first two weeks. In all actuality, the worst days were after that text. Even felt raw and like he was getting stabbed in the chest constantly. He wondered if it was all worth it. 

**~*~*~**

**February-April**

As much as this hurts, Even throws all of his energy into making sure Isak knows he isn’t giving up on him. Even knows all he needs to do is not give up and let Isak know that he is the most important thing in the world, even though he asked him to stop contacting him.

He doesn’t stop the messages, despite knowing he should. Isak doesn’t respond, but he doesn’t read the messages either, at least, not for an entire week. Even tries not to be even a little crushed when he finally sees the read receipt and doesn’t get a response. 

It’s then that he decides to double his efforts. 

Even goes to the store after school one day and buys himself one of those nice, beautiful moleskine journals. 

Even proceeds to spend the next two months pouring his heart and soul into each of the pages. 

**~*~*~**

**May**

As spring starts to really pick up, Even starts on the playlist. 

It takes him nearly all month, but in the end he’s very pleased with the result. 

He’s planned a playlist with every song that reminds him of Isak, that reminds him of different times in their relationship or just of different aspects of it. He’s dedicated part of his ‘Isak Journal’ to explanations of each song, sometimes writing whole paragraphs, other times just a few words, no lengthy explanation needed. 

He knows Isak will like this, whether he’s still mad or not. This is their thing. 

And if he doesn’t, then Even can be done knowing he did everything he could.

**~*~*~**

**June**

By mid-June, Even has put his final touches on what he has now decided is Isak’s birthday present. This is his final push for a new start and Even is placing all of his hopes on this one final grand gesture. 

On the morning of the 21st, Even gets on his bike and heads to Isak’s flat. It’s still early, so he bets Isak will be asleep still, probably exhausted and a bit hungover from a night of celebrating. 

He ditches his bike outside and drops off his gift, a blue bag with green tissue paper containing the moleskine, now chock full of endless quotes, poems, drawings, and thoughts, and also an old iPod with the playlist. He’s stuck a note on the iPod saying _press play first, then start reading._

After he rings the bell, he leaves, knowing now it’s out of his hands. 

_**to be continued.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah! There you go. I hope this is what people wanted? 
> 
> Any predictions for what will happen in Part III? 
> 
> as always, feedback is welcomed and encouraged. If I could bribe with cookies, I would.


	3. Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have returned! And I bring you the final part to this emotional rollercoaster of a fic!  
> Enjoy!

**Part III**

_Isak POV_

Isak was still asleep when the doorbell rang. He figured one of the roommates would get the door for him and he falls asleep again. 

Isak doesn’t get up for another two hours, and when he does, he stumbles from his room to pee and get a drink. He doesn’t make it out of his room, though, because as soon as he opens his bedroom door, he nearly steps on the gift bag that someone’s placed in front of it. 

He has no idea who it is from, but he picks it up, curiosity getting the best of him. He takes the bag back into his room and sits down on his bed, beginning to open the bag.

He doesn’t know, but at the same time, he does the second he sees the the moleskin and then the iPod. Only Even would be capable of something as unique as this. 

He also recognizes the handwriting on the post-it.

After finally consciously recognizing it’s from Even, Isak passes a solid five minutes just staring at it before he gets the courage to place the headphones in his ears.

It only takes the first thirty seconds of the first song for everything Isak used to feel to come back to him. He can’t fight the tears that come with. 

Isak opens the moleskin and, again, is hit with memories of Even, with his chicken scratch writing and creative drawings. 

He takes his time, admiring each page and letting everything soak in. He lets the memories and feelings flood back and overwhelm him, consume him.

He’s not really thinking when he pulls out his phone and dials Even’s number. It takes three rings before Even’s soft voice is filling his ears.

“Hei,” Even says. 

Isak doesn’t respond right away, words failing him as he sniffles quietly, mouth hanging open helplessly. 

“Isak, I know you’re there,” Even says and when Isak still isn’t able to respond, he continues. “Happy birthday.”

“Th-thank you,” Isak manages. 

“I’m so sorry,” Even says, quieter now. “I know you meant what you said when you said you were done, but I just wanted to give you something special for your birthday. You deserve everything.”

“I...fuck,” Isak says, wiping his eyes roughly.

“I know,” Even says. 

“I miss you,” Isak whispers, not sure it was even loud enough for Even to hear. 

The line is silent for a moment, and then Isak hears, “Say it again.”

“Fuck, I miss you,” Isak says, something in the words empowering him to finally speak what’s going on in his head and it’s like the floodgates are opened. “You have no idea how many times I wanted to call you and just forget about all of this over the past six months. I couldn’t. I couldn’t just forgive you for what you did. I couldn’t be that weak. The day we broke up was the worst day of my entire life. I can’t… I still can’t believe you did that to me. I mean… how could you, Even?”

“I… I don’t know,” Even says. “I’ve been trying to figure it out for months.”

Isak doesn’t say anything and just sighs. 

“I just… “

“You broke us,” Isak says, cutting him off. “You broke me.”

There’s silence for a few moments, neither able to say anything after that. Then Even finally breaks it.

“Can I ask for the chance to put you back together?” Even asks.

Isak pauses, knowing he’s on the cusp here. This is the final opportunity to either let Even back in or shut the door in his face. 

“You’re the only one who can,” Isak finally answers quietly. 

“What are you doing now?” Even asks.

“Home,” Isak answers and he can hear Even fumbling around on the other end of the line.

“Can I come over?” Even asks.

“Please,” Isak says. 

“Isak?” Even says after a pause. 

“Yeah?” Isak asks.

“Just… please don’t change your mind before I get there,” Even pleads and it almost makes Isak laugh.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Isak promises. 

“Okay, see you soon,” Even says and hangs up.

**~*~*~**

So, yes, Isak promised not to change his mind, but he didn’t promise that he wouldn’t freak out a little. 

Isak hasn’t seen Even since he left him, knowing if he did he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from taking him back, even if it was simply bumping into each other at the grocery store. 

So, when Isak opens the door and sees Even standing there, looking positively breathtaking, it really shouldn’t be surprising that Isak simply throws himself into Even’s arms.

“God, I’ve missed you,” Isak breathes and Even just holds him.

“I’ve missed you, too. You have no idea,” Even says. 

They stay like that for a few minutes, holding each other and calming their racing hearts and trembling hands. Even is the first to move, starting with slow movements of his hands down Isak’s back, rubbing up and down until he rests his hands on Isak’s slender hips.

Then they’re kissing, lips brushing together softly. Isak grips Even’s jacket at his sides. Eventually, the kisses slow to a stop and Even rests his forehead against Isak’s. A quiet peace settles in the room.

“Did you mean it?” Isak asks softly, breath puffing over Even’s lips. 

“What part?” Even asks. 

“All of it, I guess,” Isak says. “Do you… do you still love me?”

“Of course,” Even says, hands coming up to hold Isak’s face, thumbs tracing his cheeks. 

“Show me,” Isak whispers, voice shaking. 

Even searches Isak’s face for any sign that he doesn’t mean what Even thinks he means, but he finds nothing. Isak looks sincere, like he wants nothing more than to be with Even right now. 

Even pulls Isak close to his chest and holds him for a few moments, pressing two kisses to Isak’s temple, the second slower than the first. 

Isak’s hands tighten in Even’s jacket and he’s sure Even can feel the way he’s shaking now, nervous and a little overwhelmed. Even tries to settle him by running his hands up and down his back again, lips pressed delicately to his forehead. 

“I’m going to take care of you,” Even whispers and Isak shakes out a sigh. 

Even pulls back and watches Isak carefully before Isak steps back and takes Even’s hand. He doesn’t break eye contact as he starts moving backwards, pulling Even with him. 

They make it all the way to Isak’s room like that, with Isak facing Even and carefully moving backwards. Their eyes never leave each other’s as the tension build between them. 

Isak knows Even didn’t come here for this. He knows Even would never presume something, but the look on his face shows that he’s pretty fucking pleased about it. And that he’s being cautious. 

Isak finally turns around once he’s through the doorway and leads Even to his bed. Once they’re standing in front of the mattress, Isak turns and reaches up to tangle his fingers in Even’s hair, drawing him close enough so he can kiss him.

Even welcomes him immediately and Isak tries not to think about how depraved he’s been and how unbelievably good it feels to have Even’s lips on his own again. At the same time, he cautions himself to not get carried away. He knows this could all end in a second. 

As if Even heard that thought, he pulls away. Isak’s breath catches in his throat, and he fights the urge to chase after Even’s lips. He closes his eyes and licks his lips. 

“Baby,” Even whispers, but Isak shakes his head. 

“Don’t do this to me again, okay?” Isak says. “If I… if we… I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t,” Even says and by the look on his face he knows his words mean nothing, now, can’t hold up to Isak after what he’s done, but he wants to prove it to him.

Isak just nods, though, and then he’s stepping back and climbing onto the bed. He settles himself against the pillows and beckons Even to him with an innocent smile. 

Even doesn’t waste any time and joins Isak, straddling him and losing his fingers in Isak’s hair. Isak whimpers with the force of Even’s kisses, mouth opening and tongue teasing Even’s lips. 

Even welcomes him immediately, fisting his hair and meeting his tongue with enthusiasm. Even grinds his body down on Isak, crotch pressing firmly into Isak’s, meeting the hardness there. 

It only takes ten seconds before they’re so swept up in the moment, grinding against each other and panting into each other’s mouths. It’s like when they first started their relationship, shy and so young, ferverishly dry humping each other and trying to keep quiet as they came in their pants. 

“Need you,” Isak breathes between hot kisses. 

“Get naked,” Even requests, lifting up to tear off his shirt and then pushes Isak’s shirt off.

Isak stops him though, grabbing his wrists. Even looks up and must notice the soft, pleading look in Isak’s eyes and he knows what Isak won’t say. Isak needs this to be slow and passionate, not rushed and needy. This can’t just be a fuck, he needs it to mean more than that, to show and prove to him that Even still loves him and wants him.

“Okay, okay,” Even shushes. “I’ve got you, baby.”

Isak smiles softly and lifts his chin up in his silent way of asking for more kisses. Even indulges him, softly kissing his lips and rubbing his knuckles over Isak’s cheek. 

They kiss slowly, bodies slowing down as well until Even slips a hand under Isak’s shirt, skimming over the warm skin of his stomach. Isak whines into the kiss, left hand gripping Even’s shoulder as his legs fall parted. 

Isak bravely tucks his right hand under Even’s shirt, tracing up the notches of his spine, shucking the shirt up along the way. Even sits up and allows Isak to tug the fabric over his head, lifting his long arms to help. 

Isak lifts up and removes his own shirt, then settles back against the pillows, blush creeping up on his cheeks. Even watches him, grinning brightly as he scans his eyes down Isak’s exposed torso, clearly loving what he sees. 

“You’re so beautiful, Isak,” Even breathes, fingers ghosting over Isak’s sides, making Isak shiver. “I love you, baby boy.”

Isak blushes at the familiar pet name, ducking his chin to his chest. Even dives in to kiss him again, loving how Isak responds immediately. When their chests press together, it’s electric and Isak can’t wait to get more skin on skin.

Even reaches between them and begins working on Isak’s jeans, unbuttoning them and tugging down the zipper skillfully. Isak reaches down and shoves them down, shimmying to get them down his thighs. 

Even sits up again, this time to pull Isak’s jeans off his legs. He removes Isak’s socks and then goes to work on his own jeans. He manages to catch Isak’s eyes as he undoes his flies and grins coyly at him as he slowly pulls down his jeans, teasing him. Isak licks his lips and then makes grabby hands for Even once he’s tossing his jeans on the ground along with his socks. 

They’re both in their boxers now, watching each other carefully. Even makes the first move, straddling Isak and hovering over him. By the looks of it, he clearly wants to tempt Isak again, tease him a little before he just gives in.

Isak reaches up and curls his fingers in the hair at the back of Even’s neck, then he’s drawing him in. The kiss is intense, and Even moans into it, biting Isak’s lip and grinning when he whimpers and tightens his fingers in Even’s hair.

Isak wraps his legs around Even’s hips, drawing him down and pulling him in. Even growls and slides one of his hands down Isak’s chest and then cups Isak through his boxers. 

Isak moans into Even’s mouth, head falling back and Even takes the opportunity to move his lips over Isak’s jaw, working his way down his neck. Even sucks and bites at the soft skin under Isak’s jaw, hoping to leave a promising mark there, and Isak ignores the twinge in his gut at the memory of all the other times Even’s done this. 

“Need you,” Isak whines, grinding his hips up into Even’s palm. “Now. Please.”

He’s needy and desperate and Even is everything Isak has needed for months. He wants to give Even everything, show him, prove to him how much he still loves him. He needs Even to do the same.

“Easy, love,” Even whispers, kissing over the fresh bruise on Isak’s neck. “I want to take my time with you.”

“Please don’t,” Isak pleads, reaching for Even’s face, forcing Even to look at him. “I need you.”

Even holds Isak’s gaze for nearly thirty seconds, letting Isak silently communicate to him everything he’s too scared to say out loud. Even nods, understanding what Isak needs from him. 

Even reaches for Isak’s boxers and tugs them down, biting his lip at the sight they leave behind. Even pulls them all the way off, dropping them on the floor and then looks up at Isak, eyes scanning up his body spread out and bare, just for him.

He asks silent permission, which Isak grants with a shy nod, eyes diverting down. Even dives in, entire body melting onto the mattress between Isak’s thighs as he settles in. 

Isak can tell Even’s missed this, obviously, but getting his hands on Isak like this again is a near religious experience. Even takes Isak in his hand, stroking him once and then tilting him so he can wrap him in his lips. 

He starts with the head, suckling, teasing, swirling his tongue just so. He’s delicate, barely giving Isak anything, watching Isak through his eyelashes as he slowly takes him apart. 

“Baby,” Isak breathes, fingers tangling in Even’s hair and forcing him down farther as Isak jerks his hips up.

Even gets the message, knows Isak’s in no mood for teasing. He sets a rough pace for himself, bobbing his head and working his jaw in ways he hadn’t in so long. He splutters a little when he takes Isak in too deep, but he recovers quickly and just pushes himself faster. 

“Gonna come,” Isak gasps, rocking his hips up and tugging harshly on Even’s hair. 

Even pulls off immediately, saliva hanging from his mouth, still connecting him to Isak. Isak stares at him wide-eyed, body quivering. It’s too much, but so, so good.

“You suck,” Isak mutters, hand sliding down to grip Even’s shoulder. “You know I hate when you edge me like that.”

“And you know I love it,” Even says, sliding up Isak’s body to kiss him hungrily. 

They make out, biting at each other’s lips and sliding their tongues together. Even buries his fingers in Isak’s curls, tugging playfully as Isak catches Even’s bottom lip between his sharp teeth. 

“Get in me already,” Isak breathes before kissing him again, more tongue than anything. 

“Gotta prep you first,” Even says. “Or did you forget that part?”

Isak rolls his eyes, but lets his legs fall parted. Even raises his eyebrows at him and Isak just smirks. Isak bends his legs and adjusts so Even can see the flash of something shiny tucked between Isak’s cheeks, finally letting Even in on a little secret. 

“Please tell me you didn’t…” Even starts to say, but Isak blushes and looks down. 

“What if I did?” Isak says. 

“Fuck, I love you,” Even slips out, kissing Isak again, unaware of what he’s just said. 

Isak wraps his arms around Even tightly, legs circling his waist as well. Even rocks their bodies together, getting carried away until Isak’s reaching down and shoving Even’s boxers off his ass. 

“Right, right,” Even says between kisses. “Sex, yeah.”

Isak rolls his eyes again and watches Even shove his boxers down and remove them. Isak rolls sideways to open his bedside drawer and produces condoms and lube. 

Once he settles back on the mattress, Even is watching him and then he reacts quickly, grabbing Isak by the knees and tugging him into position. 

Even glides his fingers down Isak’s thigh, stroking the skin and making Isak shiver. He dips his fingers between Isak’s cheeks, fingers playing with the silver base of the plug sitting snugly there. 

Isak bites his lip as Even gives it an experimental twist and Isak nods before Even pulls it out. Isak gasps, hole clenching at the loss, making Even moan openly. He feels so suddenly empty, it’s achingly jarring. 

“You’re so hot, Isak,” Even says, finger rubbing over his slick hole. 

“I… I hated to be presumptuous, but as soon as I called you… I knew… I knew I wanted this. I had to… I didn’t want to waste any time or… or give you a chance to change your mind so I… I prepped myself before you got here and then used the plug…” Isak explained. 

“The one I got you for Christmas, if I’m not mistaken,” Even says, holding the toy up in front of himself to examine it. 

“Yes,” Isak says. “Anyway, I’m good to go. Just need you to, um.” 

Isak holds out a wrapped condom for Even, and he tries not to think about how they didn’t used to need this. They’d both gotten tested months before their break-up and had been going without condoms since. 

That’s not the case anymore. 

Even takes it and opens it quickly, rolling it on before taking the lube and squeezing a generous amount onto his cock. He also pours some onto his fingers for good measure, prodding them at Isak’s hole. 

“Just want to make sure you’re ready,” Even explains, pressing in with two fingers. 

“It’s okay,” Isak says, eyes closing. “It has been a while.”

“Oh?” Even says, scissoring his fingers, Isak tries not to let it show that the stretch stings a little.

“Yeah,” Isak nods. “Um, no one… since you.”

“Oh,” Even says, pressing in a third when he sees how open Isak already is. “Same.”

“Really?” Isak says, opening his eyes and Even nods. 

“I haven’t wanted to,” Even shrugs. 

“Good,” Isak says, throwing one of his arms over his head. “I’m ready.”

Even pulls his fingers out and lines up. Isak takes one of Even’s hands in his own, holding it tight as they make eye contact. Isak nods and Even smiles before guiding his tip in and pushing forward. 

Isak squeezes Even’s hand, eyes closing tightly. Even freezes, still so in tune to Isak’s tells and body and that makes Isak’s heart flutter. Even leans down and kisses Isak softly, obviously trying to distract him a little until Isak is nodding against Even, telling him it’s okay to keep going. 

Even pushes in, making Isak whimper into his mouth, fingers tangling in the damp strands of hair at the nape of Even’s neck. Even rolls his hips experimentally a few times, knowing Isak likes to just keep going once he’s in, knows he’ll give him a signal if it gets too much. 

But Isak doesn’t, and so Even just quickens his pace and begins to jack Isak off in time with his thrusts. 

“I...I love you,” Isak whimpers, voice wet and his eyes are glassy with fresh tears. 

“I love you, too, baby,” Even says. 

“E-Even,” Isak moans as Even thrusts in deeper. 

“I’m here, Isak, right here, baby,” Even breathes, kissing on Isak’s neck.

“I… I can’t,” Isak moans, tears spilling over. “Even, please.”

Isak is completely overwhelmed, but not necessarily in a bad way. Having Even inside him again, it’s heady and powerful. He didn’t think he would react like this, but there’s no turning back now.

Even lifts up and stares down at Isak. When they make eye contact, Isak knows Even is just as overwhelmed as he is. 

“Let go, Isak. I’ve got you,” Even says and then repeats it. “Let go. I’m here.”

Isak throws his head back and screams. Isak lets go of all control as he comes, long and hard. He can tell Even feels it in the way he stills for a moment, face burying in Isak’s neck as he whispers sweet nothings to him to talk him through it. 

It’s powerful and all consuming and it takes him over for nearly a full thirty seconds before he’s able to shake off the way his mind threatens to black out. 

It’s so fucking good. 

Isak doesn’t even consciously notice Even came until he’s already collapsed on top of Isak, breathing heavy and crushing him.

Eventually Even rolls off, pulling out carefully and reaching for tissues to clean them up. They lay in silence afterwards, fingerings tangling together.

“Shit, baby that was amazing,” Even breathes after a moment, staring at the ceiling. “Give me a few minutes and we can switch it up.”

When Isak doesn’t say anything, Even turns onto his side to look at him cautiously, Isak bites his lip and tries not to look guilty. 

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Even asks softly, fingers stroking over Isak’s cheek. 

“I may need more than a few minutes,” Isak says, unable to look Even in the eyes. 

Even tries to laugh, clearly thinking Isak’s making a joke, but when Isak finally meets his eyes, his expression changes. 

“Oh?” Even says. 

Isak fixes Even with a look, something bordering softness, but also a little bit of betrayal. “It’s going to take me a while before I can do that again… before I am able to take you again like that.”

“Oh...I see,” Even says, a twinge of hurt on his face. 

“It’s just… I don’t know if I could do it… not right now. I still… I’m still so angry and… hurt by it all. I just… I can’t imagine doing that… being intimate with you and not imagining you like that for someone else,” Isak explains. 

His tone isn’t angry, not exactly, but it still cuts through Even like sharpened knives. Even tries not to get choked up, but he feels tears stinging his eyes. 

“But… you were still able to let me fuck you…” Even manages to choke out, and Isak rolls his eyes. 

“That’s different,” Isak says softly. “I don’t know how, but it just is. Look, I want to be with you, Even. I want to work through this. Okay? I just… it’s going to take time for me to learn to trust you again. I’m willing to try, though, if you are.”

“Definitely,” Even says, grasping at the words like a lifeline. 

“Okay,” Isak nods. “Day by day. Minute by minute, yeah?”

Even smiles, sealing the words with a kiss. 

And obviously, it wasn’t easy, it took time and patience and lots of talking before they were able to work through it all, but they did it. More than anything, they love each other and that’s all they need to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it! I told you I'd finish this eventually :)  
> Let me know what you thought! I'm terrible at responding to comments, but know that I do read them all and smile like an idiot to myself. Honestly, they make my day :)  
> Happy Wednesday and happy first week of Season 4!  
> Until next time <3

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so. I'm sorry. again.
> 
> i'm feeling very emotional and I would love to know what you're thinking/feeling/doing after suffering through this with me. 
> 
> Also, as I said above, I'm thinking about adding to this (giving my babies a happy ending). maybe feedback will give me the motivation I need. I'm also a sucker for comments :)


End file.
